Know When To Be Silent

"Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be."

Unknown

Chaperoned

"Parenthood:  That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." 

Marcelene Cox

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door Is Closed

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling: "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was only funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were
two, this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

Oh ... And yes, I still love you.
Author Unknown

A Woman

"A woman laughing, is a woman conquered."

Napoleon

"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

ERMA BOMBECK

I Have A Dirty House

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Reach For The Stars

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phillis Diller

I Need A Time Out

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

Erma Bombeck

Expectations

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

Unmade Bed

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

Erma Bombeck

Housework

"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity."

Erma Bombeck

Oh, How You've Matured

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." 

Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874

What Is Your Reason For Having Children?

"I guess the real reason why my wife and I decided to have children was the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia... It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Bill Cosby

The Only Ones

"Human being are the only creature on earth that allow their children to come back home."

Bill Cosby

Beautiful Act

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people can commit."

Bill Cosby

What Gift Do You Love?

"Fatherhood is pretending that the gift you love the most is the orange and green tie."
"Motherhood is pretending that the gift you love the most is the big bunny slippers."

Kristy C.

My Child Is Civil

"Civilization had too man rules for me, so I tried my best to rewrite them."

Bill Cosby

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."
Barbara Kingsolver

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers."
Edgar W. Howe

My Theory About Bringing Up Children

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories."
John Wilmot